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Writings of the Wombat
A collection of written works by the one and only EsotericWombat All works herein are Copyright © 2005 Patrick Desmond... I'm cool with reposts, as long as they're attributed... in the extreme case that anyone finds anything here worth repeating.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Unnamed Play, Scene 1
BRIAN’S APARTMENT: A decidedly chaotic dwelling, where the only thing that isn’t in total disarray is the bookshelf and his books. BRIAN slouches on the couch, reading one such book. There is a knock at the door. Brian at first seems not to notice. The knock comes again.
BRIAN suddenly becomes alert, and walks towards the door
BRIAN Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore, But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you.
Here he opens wide the door. Enter MARIE, who silently glares at BRIAN .
BRIAN Er… I wasn’t expecting you?
MARIE That’s odd, because I seem to have this vague memory of telling you I’d be coming. About nine times. So don’t give me any of your bullshit. Do you have it?
BRIAN Do I have what?
MARIE My key, you jackass! Why the fuck else would I be here?
BRIAN Well, I suppose a friendly chat is out of the question?
MARIE Fuck you. Here’s your key. Where’s mine?
BRIAN I don’t know.
MARIE You don’t know?
BRIAN I don’t know.
MARIE Jesus fucking Christ what’s wrong with you? You knew I was coming. You knew why I was coming.
BRIAN This is true.
MARIE You said that you had it.
BRIAN That I did
MARIE And now you don’t know where my key is.
BRIAN Not a clue.
MARIE What the hemorrhaging fuck has changed about the status and location of my key since I called you?
BRIAN My knowledge thereof?
MARIE So you only just realized that you didn’t know where it was.
BRIAN Correct
MARIE And naturally, you’ve been looking for it since you came to this realization, and that’s why you didn’t bother to call me and tell me not to come to this shit heap you call an apartment for no reason?
BRIAN Naturally
MARIE Except, you weren’t looking.
BRIAN I wasn’t?
MARIE No, (picks up the book) you were reading Macbeth for the thousandth fucking time (reads mockingly from the book) Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. (closes the book) Boo. Fucking. Hoo.
BRIAN Oh yeah, you should just tell Shakespeare to quit his bitching
MARIE Not Shakespeare. You.
BRIAN I didn’t write that.
MARIE No, but you’ve been living it, Brian. To you, each drop of rain that falls on your head is a personal insult.
BRIAN Is your name Winnie? Are you covered in mud, holding a balloon? Are you looking for honey?
MARIE (cutting him off) I’m looking for my fucking key, Brian! I should at this moment be on the train, either going home or to some bar, to make a valiant attempt to drink away the knowledge that I ever slept with you. Instead, I have to come here and suffer your bullshit once more.
BRIAN What the hell do you mean, suffer my bullshit? All I said was that I don’t know where your key is.
MARIE But you never knew, did you?
BRIAN Well…
MARIE Well… what? You didn’t, did you? Why the fuck did you let me come here for no reason?
BRIAN I…
MARIE Oh let me guess. You thought that if you could just get me to come to your apartment you could have me back. We’d have some heartwarming reunion and then everything’s back to the way it was? What fucking Friends episode did you get this from?
BRIAN They never did that on Friends.
MARIE So you admit it?
BRIAN Not at all.
MARIE Then why the fuck am I here?
BRIAN For this. (takes out the key)
MARIE So I was right?
BRIAN Don’t flatter yourself. I just wanted to see you get pissed off one last time. You have no clue how cute it is. Oh its true, I thought I wanted you back, but I realized something. For three years, there’s always been something wrong with me. I wasn’t fit enough, or neat enough, or ambitious enough, or whatever the fuck it was that day. You really got off on belittling me, didn’t you?
MARIE Well, I had to pick up your slack somehow
BRIAN Nice. Here. (tosses the key to MARIE)
MARIE fumbles, but catches it. BRIAN sits back down and picks up his book. MARIE begins to say something, but BRIAN doesn’t even look up. She exits hastily, slamming the door behind her. Brian looks up from his book and lets out a sigh.
Fade out.
Unnamed Play, Scene 2
COMIC BOOK STORE: A typical hive of geekery. BRIAN, who manages the store, is behind the counter, from which hangs a poster with the Parental Warning emblem, idly paging through a comic and talking to KEVIN, his coworker. A few CUSTOMERS are perusing the merchandise, including a young boy and his mother.
KEVIN I just can’t fucking believe it… since when did you grow balls?
BRIAN Oh come on, give me a little credit
KEVIN You’ve been a little bitch about this for three years! Is there a single time you’d ever stood up to her before then?
BRIAN What, do you want me to run a search through my records?
KEVIN No, I want you to give me an example of one time where you didn’t just waffle when she put you under pressure, because I can think of at least seven instances off the top of my head of her verbally bitch-slapping you without you saying a good word in your own defense. Burden of proof’s on you.
BRIAN Since when were you a DA?
KEVIN Stop fucking stalling.
BRIAN Jesus Fucking Christ you’re pushy! OK, you win. I always gave in. I never stood my ground. I’m a fucking coward. Happy?
KEVIN I’m not trying to give you shit here. I’m saying I’m proud is all. That was a killer move. You’d planned that all along I assume?
BRIAN No, it just came to me. I let her think that I did, though
KEVIN So wait… you were using that key shit to try some last-minute reunion? I don’t fucking believe you!
BRIAN Chill, allright? The point is I didn’t. And if I hadn’t done it, I would have never realized that I don’t need her.
KEVIN Fine. In the interest of speedy justice the charges are dropped.
BRIAN (sarcastically) Oh thank you, your honor
KEVIN So hey, are you doing anything tonight?
BRIAN Kevin, I don’t want to hurt you, but I think that we should just be friends
KEVIN Wow, you’re a fucking comic genius. No, I mean do you, the recently unchained Brian, want to go out, have some drinks, and maybe meet some friends of mine who are eager for fresh meat?
BRIAN Ok, I’m not sure I want to be “fresh meat” for any of your friends given that I’ve never seen them in daylight. I don’t want to go out and have someone etch their name into me.
KEVIN As opposed to your relationship with Marie?
BRIAN Touché
KEVIN What did you see in her anyways?
BRIAN What, besides the amazing, fantastic, borderline illegal sex? Did there need to be anything else?
KEVIN I’m not saying there did. But I know you. You’re pretty fucking desperate, but even you wouldn’t cling that tightly if it was just good sex.
BRIAN You don’t even know what you’re fucking talking about. She teaches Yoga. Can you even comprehend that?
KEVIN What? You think I’ve never made it with a Yoga teacher? This is me we’re talking about. I mean its great and all, but in the end, its still just sex. You can’t tell me that’s all you were sticking around for.
BRIAN (loudly and angrily) Isn’t there something you could be fucking doing instead of sitting on your ass and dissecting my life?
Several CUSTOMERS turn, startled but not surprised. The MOTHER, however, is scandalized
MOTHER How dare you use such filthy language in front of my son.
BRIAN I’m sorry, miss, but I fail to see how it’s any of my concern
MOTHER What!?
BRIAN (Pointing to the Parental Warning poster) You saw one of these on the door, right?
MOTHER Well, yes…
BRIAN And you know what it means, correct?
MOTHER Yes, but-
BRIAN Then why did you think that this was some G-rated happy place?
MOTHER You sell toys here! Why would there be toys here if this wasn’t a place where you can bring children?
BRIAN look over there (indicates a CUSTOMER in his mid-thirties stuffing his arms with Star Wars figures)
MOTHER Oh…
BRIAN So can I help you?
MOTHER Umm… well… do you have (whispers something)
BRIAN opens a drawer under the counter and pulls out a graphic novel, which he hands to the mother.
BRIAN (smirking) that’ll be $6.50
She hands him the money, takes the book, and Exits.
KEVIN Hey, you know… she’s been here before. Always comes for the same thing, too
BRIAN Heh.
CUSTOMER (in a decidedly geekish voice) Hey, do either of you know where I can find a replica of Darth Maul’s lightsaber from the Phantom Menace?
BRIAN They sell them online
CUSTOMER Don’t you think I know that? I don’t have a credit card. Do you know of any store that sells them?
BRIAN No
KEVIN No
CUSTOMER I can’t believe how fucking useless you guys are. Don’t you know anything?
KEVIN (Idly fingering the handle of a katana on display behind the counter) I know a place where I could bury your body without being noticed. I doubt anyone would even miss you.
The CUSTOMER falls silent, then hastily exits.
BRIAN You didn’t have to do that
KEVIN You’re right. I didn’t. Is everyone gone?
BRIAN I think so
KEVIN And is the boss going to be coming by tonight?
BRIAN No, why?
KEVIN Wanna cut out early?
BRIAN What is it, half an hour till we close?
KEVIN Yeah.
BRIAN Sure, why not?
BRIAN and KEVIN lock up and Exeunt
Unnamed Play, Scene 3
A BAR: BRIAN is sitting at the bar, drinking a gin and tonic and trying to make conversation with a WOMAN. He’s had a few already.
BRIAN I’m just abysmal at meeting people for the first time. I just keep fucking shit up. This one time, a while ago, at some party, one of my friends introduced me to his new girlfriend. For some reason I still don’t remember (the evening was at the time far too advanced for accurate memories) he left the two of us alone for about a half an hour. So we got to talking, and the booze was making her seem a lot more interesting, and a lot more attractive than she in fact was. And she gave me her number. Now, I didn’t ask for her number, and I certainly hadn’t intended to give her mine, but there are some things that I’m genetically incapable of doing, and withholding my number from what at least appears to be a witty and attractive woman is one of them. My friend came back, and she acted like nothing had happened, and I vomited all over his shoes, so we were pretty much done for the night. The next day I get a call from her. I was bored, so we talked some more. Keep in mind, though, because this is important, that I was still working with the false image of her I’d gotten while intoxicated the night before, both physically and intellectually. So when she asked me, in the same manner you would expect from someone asking you the name of your favorite movie, about the length of my penis, I gave her an answer. Thinking back I’m still not sure why I did this, but in any case I felt I was owed a measurement. Now, so I don’t seem like a total douche, let me make it clear that when I asked her how deep she was I was joking. She apparently didn’t understand that, and moreover hadn’t a clue, as she’d told me it was an area she’d never explored herself, and now she was curious. It was beyond my comprehension that someone would masturbate for the first time in order to make a measurement. Anyways, I hung up the phone while she was getting to know herself better, even though she asked me to stay on the line. Next day my phone rings, I pick it up to hear a bitter voice say: Thank you Brian, I’m now no longer a virgin. Apparently she broke something… I didn’t ask for details. I guess I should have figured she was a virgin, but she never told me. She told her boyfriend, though. I think that may have been a selling point. Now she has some explaining to do, and apparently it’s my fault. I was just making a joke, I wasn’t trying to make anyone bleed! Anyways, I guess she came up with some sort of a lie for her boyfriend, because otherwise I never would have heard the end of it from him. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen him since, and I’m certain that she had something to do with it. And what’s worse, I’m the only one who seems to be impressed by the fact that I caused a hymen to rupture from fifty miles away.
I’m sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent there. What was it you said?
WOMAN Hello?
BRIAN Right. Hello. Can I buy you a drink?
WOMAN Actually I think it would be a much better idea if you just went over there and never spoke to me again.
BRIAN I understand. It’s like I said… I’m not very good at—
WOMAN Piss off!
BRIAN gets up and rejoins KEVIN, who has seen and heard everything.
KEVIN I’ve got to ask you something
BRIAN Oh?
KEVIN Has there been a single moment ever in your life when you would have been better off telling that story than not telling it?
BRIAN Well I…
KEVIN What did you think was going to come of this? I mean what the fuck? I’m trying to help you out here and you go talking about that shit? Have you heard of conversation? You should try it some time; you’ll find it’s a happy alternative to your fucking hymen story.
BRIAN Didn’t I tell you that I’m no good at this?
KEVIN “Not good at this” is hardly the phrase. You’re like a monkey fucking a football out there!
BRIAN Okay! Christ!
KEVIN Listen, there are three types of stories you tell to women you’ve just met. Triumph in confrontation, triumph in competition, and funny stories that touch upon how great you are. Also, and this is important, never tell stories about someone else. You have maybe a couple of minutes to sell yourself before the guy at the end of the bar who just bought her a drink draws her attention.
BRIAN But I don’t really have any good stories like that
KEVIN So what? You call yourself a writer. Make them up!
BRIAN Well what if I’m looking for something more than cheap, meaningless sex?
KEVIN (ponders this) I have absolutely no idea.
Monologue from Unnamed Play
Note- I'm not quite sure where I'm going to fit this in. Also, I have a few more scenes that aren't done yet. What I think I'm going to do is when the play is done is put my email up and let anyone who wants to read the final draft email me
KEVIN You’re not fucking Don Quixote. You don’t fight windmills, you just try to imagine they’re not there, like one of those birds.
BRIAN Huh?
KEVIN In