Unnamed Play, Scene 2

COMIC BOOK STORE: A typical hive of geekery. BRIAN, who manages the store, is behind the counter, from which hangs a poster with the Parental Warning emblem, idly paging through a comic and talking to KEVIN, his coworker. A few CUSTOMERS are perusing the merchandise, including a young boy and his mother.

KEVIN I just can’t fucking believe it… since when did you grow balls?

BRIAN Oh come on, give me a little credit

KEVIN You’ve been a little bitch about this for three years! Is there a single time you’d ever stood up to her before then?

BRIAN What, do you want me to run a search through my records?

KEVIN No, I want you to give me an example of one time where you didn’t just waffle when she put you under pressure, because I can think of at least seven instances off the top of my head of her verbally bitch-slapping you without you saying a good word in your own defense. Burden of proof’s on you.

BRIAN Since when were you a DA?

KEVIN Stop fucking stalling.

BRIAN Jesus Fucking Christ you’re pushy! OK, you win. I always gave in. I never stood my ground. I’m a fucking coward. Happy?

KEVIN I’m not trying to give you shit here. I’m saying I’m proud is all. That was a killer move. You’d planned that all along I assume?

BRIAN No, it just came to me. I let her think that I did, though

KEVIN So wait… you were using that key shit to try some last-minute reunion? I don’t fucking believe you!

BRIAN Chill, allright? The point is I didn’t. And if I hadn’t done it, I would have never realized that I don’t need her.

KEVIN Fine. In the interest of speedy justice the charges are dropped.

BRIAN (sarcastically) Oh thank you, your honor

KEVIN So hey, are you doing anything tonight?

BRIAN Kevin, I don’t want to hurt you, but I think that we should just be friends

KEVIN Wow, you’re a fucking comic genius. No, I mean do you, the recently unchained Brian, want to go out, have some drinks, and maybe meet some friends of mine who are eager for fresh meat?

BRIAN Ok, I’m not sure I want to be “fresh meat” for any of your friends given that I’ve never seen them in daylight. I don’t want to go out and have someone etch their name into me.

KEVIN As opposed to your relationship with Marie?

BRIAN Touché

KEVIN What did you see in her anyways?

BRIAN What, besides the amazing, fantastic, borderline illegal sex? Did there need to be anything else?

KEVIN I’m not saying there did. But I know you. You’re pretty fucking desperate, but even you wouldn’t cling that tightly if it was just good sex.

BRIAN You don’t even know what you’re fucking talking about. She teaches Yoga. Can you even comprehend that?

KEVIN What? You think I’ve never made it with a Yoga teacher? This is me we’re talking about. I mean its great and all, but in the end, its still just sex. You can’t tell me that’s all you were sticking around for.

BRIAN (loudly and angrily) Isn’t there something you could be fucking doing instead of sitting on your ass and dissecting my life?

Several CUSTOMERS turn, startled but not surprised. The MOTHER, however, is scandalized

MOTHER How dare you use such filthy language in front of my son.

BRIAN I’m sorry, miss, but I fail to see how it’s any of my concern

MOTHER What!?

BRIAN (Pointing to the Parental Warning poster) You saw one of these on the door, right?

MOTHER Well, yes…

BRIAN And you know what it means, correct?

MOTHER Yes, but-

BRIAN Then why did you think that this was some G-rated happy place?

MOTHER You sell toys here! Why would there be toys here if this wasn’t a place where you can bring children?

BRIAN look over there (indicates a CUSTOMER in his mid-thirties stuffing his arms with Star Wars figures)

MOTHER Oh…

BRIAN So can I help you?

MOTHER Umm… well… do you have (whispers something)

BRIAN opens a drawer under the counter and pulls out a graphic novel, which he hands to the mother.

BRIAN (smirking) that’ll be $6.50

She hands him the money, takes the book, and Exits.

KEVIN Hey, you know… she’s been here before. Always comes for the same thing, too

BRIAN Heh.

CUSTOMER (in a decidedly geekish voice) Hey, do either of you know where I can find a replica of Darth Maul’s lightsaber from the Phantom Menace?

BRIAN They sell them online

CUSTOMER Don’t you think I know that? I don’t have a credit card. Do you know of any store that sells them?

BRIAN No

KEVIN No

CUSTOMER I can’t believe how fucking useless you guys are. Don’t you know anything?

KEVIN (Idly fingering the handle of a katana on display behind the counter) I know a place where I could bury your body without being noticed. I doubt anyone would even miss you.

The CUSTOMER falls silent, then hastily exits.

BRIAN You didn’t have to do that

KEVIN You’re right. I didn’t. Is everyone gone?

BRIAN I think so

KEVIN And is the boss going to be coming by tonight?

BRIAN No, why?

KEVIN Wanna cut out early?

BRIAN What is it, half an hour till we close?

KEVIN Yeah.

BRIAN Sure, why not?

BRIAN and KEVIN lock up and Exeunt